Humanoid Sighting Reports: 1979/1980
If you’ve been reading the news section of this site, you may be aware that I have recently changed addresses. Due to a whole buffet of reasons, including a charge in North Carolina for public decency (yes I spelled that right) and several paternity suits filed against me despite my use of the only sure-fire birth control regimen (someone else’s name), I have fled to Arab North Africa, where I am living under an assumed name. I actually didn’t want an assumed name, but Aaron is sort of hard for the Arabic-speaking masses to pronounce. If you are looking for me at any time in Morocco, go to the hotel bar (whatever city you’re in, it doesn’t matter) and ask for Haroon Rashid. The barkeeper may pretend he doesn’t know who you’re talking about, but I assure you, it’s a translation problem. Say it louder and more indignantly, just like people in Philadelphia order Chinese food, and eventually the barkeep will understand and point you towards me. Perhaps wave your hands around, trying to imitate the sweet delicacy of General Tso’s chicken by cupping your hands together, wiggling your fingers, and clucking. That advice goes both for anyone searching for me and hungry Philadelphians. You’ll get what you want, eventually.
In case you were expecting this article to be like all of the other ones I’ve written, that is to say, following my (patented) formula of “Get to the point, run over the point in a steamroller made of logic, curse a little bit, and then exit stage left leaving a trail of obscene emails and message board posts” well, you’re out of luck. Because I’ve been away for quite a while now, and I deserve a little present for being such a trooper. This is it.
As an agent of the powerful Zionist-controlled media lobby in the Unites States, I’m expected to live up to certain obligations. The first is not to use phrases like “Zionist-controlled media lobby” except in clearly sarcastic and/or humorous situations. The second is to discuss tales of UFO space monster antics in only the most sober, and non-mocking of tones. So far, I’ve done a pretty good job. I described the horrible Octopus Keg Monsters of Antonio LaRubia with little more personal commentary than saying “gaaaaah!” after every use of the phrase “Horrible Octopus Keg Monsters.” I even managed to discuss the snot-theiving, brain-stabbing school-supply space mummy of Sandra Larson with nothing more harsh than calling it a tale of Flabbergasting Lunacy. I’ve even written about fearmonger Eric Julien without speculating about either the size and quality of his reproductive organs, or about which nation’s navy contains the sailors with whom his close female relatives prefer to engage in sexual acts in exchange for monetary compensation. I mention this specifically because it is not a consideration that the UFO enthusiast community has extended to me.
The point I’m trying to make is that I’ve been good. Too good.
Recently I’d been working on a project, and it’s time for me to face it: it failed. It went down in flames. I’d been trying to go through the UFO reports collected in the Humanoid Sighting Reports Compiled by Alberto Rosales 1979-1980 (or HSRCbAR1979/80) and draw up a spreadsheet tracking such things as skin color, clothing, size, and unique attributes in tales of UFO space monster shenanigans. I didn’t make it far. Starting with the database for 1979, I made it halfway through 1980 before my eyes scabbed over and I lost all interest in UFOs, space creatures, or wanting to live.
The point is that from this failure, I can deliver myself a present. Trying to discuss UFOs in a rational manner when the True Believers only want a foul language contest is a little bit stressful. Going through the HSRCbAR1979/80 however, I think I’ve reached my limit. There’s some weird stuff in there, and it’s time to call a spade a spade and stop trying to be nice about it. So here’s a list of the top ten cases that I think nicely outline both why I think people should be a little less willing to believe in UFOs as well as why I wake up angry and hung-over so frequently. And as a refreshing change of pace, I’m just going to say what I think without trying to be nice to any tinfoil wearing basement denizens that might be insulted if I refer to their belief in outer space Christian flying pie thieves as a crazy. It’s going to be relatively cathartic.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #19
Holy shit! Outer space Christian flying pie thieves!
In case you weren’t sure, you can click on the well-made picture above to go to the HSRCbAR1979 and scroll down to case #19 and read his full version of it. You can do it now. I’ll wait. There. Done? No? You didn’t go and read it? Well, you certainly have better taste in hobbies than I do.
In this case, a woman waves good by to her husband, feeds her dog, and is accosted by flying monsters. Three short men with waxy white skin and coal black eyes, sporting both translucent wings and clear bubble-style space helmets. With their rallying cry of “zee zee zee!” they flew into the living room and started inspecting her Christmas tree. They probed her mind with telepathy, which she compares to light or x-rays. They claimed, and I quote, “We know all about Jesus. We come down here to talk to people but they don’t seem interested.” After lighting a smoke to calm her nerves, they creatures became terrified and flew out the window, each stealing a mince pie before climbing into their space ship outside. UFO enthusiasts enjoy pointing out that there was a circular spot of melted snow outside the woman’s house where she claimed the UFO had sat, that all the cassette tapes in her house were ‘magnetized’ and unplayable, and the clock was busted. So what? I can do all of those things, and all I need is a few beers and a lack of adult supervision.
The reasons that I think this case is weird are probably self evident. Flying pie thieves? The oh-so-stylish bubble style helmets? If space monsters can figure out how to get here, what in the hell is going to scare them about lighting a cigarette? And people don’t seem interested? Holy crap, waxy-faced space monsters from beyond the moon, if you’re listening, I’m 100% interested in talking to you. Come to my place and hang out. We can cook some, gag, vomiting noise, mince pies, dry heave.
I wasn’t there. I didn’t see what did or did not happen. But as with so many UFO cases, we just have a tale of startling lunacy and some minor physical evidence that looks more like the product of drunken snow urination than anything else. Why on earth you would accept this tale at face value is beyond me, holy shit.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #81
Midget British hot air balloon enthusiasts! Wooo!
In this case, a couple was standing on their back porch when a tiny bright orange hot air balloon descended from the sky containing three tiny men in nice outfits. One of the men, in a suit of some sort, said, with a thick English accent, "And a good morning to you too."
If you believe that this case says anything about outer space aliens, here’s a quick rundown of what your belief system includes: that at least some space aliens are tiny little men that were educated in Britain; that they own tiny hot air balloons that they like to cruise around in; and that these miniature men of madness pass their time by wishing passersby a lovely day.
This case raises a whole host of other questions. Aren’t flying space monsters supposed to be chopping up our cattle and penetrating our birth canals? These guys sound much too polite to be from outer space. And also: hot air balloon? What the hell.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #7
I hate to have to harsh the buzz of the space believers, but…
This entry is sort of a strange one: a man reports being on a merchant ship near the coast of China, and suddenly his room vanishes. He’s floating in a void of infinite light, and sees a creature made of pure light, made up of ‘laser beams’ of incredible beauty. As soon as he begins to think about where he was, he’s suddenly snapped back to consciousness and one of his friends telling him he’s late for his watch. Or whatever it is they have on boats. I can’t imagine why there’d be a guy sitting on top of a boat shouting “halt, who goes there?” to every iceberg that’s floating by minding its own business, but whatever.
It was the name of the man in this story that made me a little suspicious. His noun (or cog, if you prefer) was ‘Amin’. And that’s not an odd name, though it sounds to be of a generally swarthy international origin. His surnoun, however, is listed as Oxidase. Amin Oxidase. Hmmm.
Now I’m no chemistry geek, but I seem to recall having heard on MTV that ‘oxidase’ is a chemical term referring to an enzymatic subclass of oxidoreductases which catalyze oxidation/reduction reactions in which an oxygen molecule plays the role of an electron acceptor. And yes, it’s molecular oxygen, not atomic oxygen.
I also seem to recall having learned, or as our comrades in Britain might say, learnt, that mono-amine oxidase is a chemical found in the human body which prevents hallucinogenic tryptamines from displaying mind-altering properties when ingested orally (unless taken with an MAO inhibitor.) “Amino Oxidase” isn’t a name, it’s the reason that licking toads will not get you high. Instead, the non-hallucinogenic parts of the venom (i.e. the poisons) will kill the life out of you if you’ve got a big tongue.
Anyway, this story is ridiculous. The name of the chemical that prevents you from getting high off of frogs was on a ship, went on a bad trip where he saw a being made totally of light, dude, and then wrote it up in something called TASTE? I have no idea how the HSRCbAR works, but I had previous assumed someone read through the cases and threw out clear fabrications by drug-addled toad suckers.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #171
Moe! Why I oughta! Whoop whoop whoop, gnaaaa!
A man working alone in his garden sees a spaceship hovering over his house. As he attempts to flee, a beam of light hits him and knocks him on his ass, and then (I swear I’m not adulterating this) a rope with four little hooks came down and grabbed him by his shirt. He grabbed onto a nearby plant, and a stalemate ensued. Looking up, he saw two women with yellow skin and a man with a beard tell him that they were going to take him to their “earth.” At this point, the man’s shirt tore off, he plopped to the ground, and watched the (brown) flying saucer spin off into the sky.
This is absolutely classic. It’s like something out of the (as of yet unfilmed) movie Laurel and Hardy Meet the Space Men. Just imagine: a man holding onto a plant with both hands as a flying saucer tries to rope him in. I imagine his feet pointing towards the sky, and him talking to the plant, trying to convince its roots not to tear out. This couldn’t be any more comedic if a bucket dropped on the alien’s head and then he stepped on a rake.
But it is! Women with yellow skin! A flying saucer painted brown! Larry would slap Moe and Curly for telling a story this wacky. And what’s the deal with space aliens, who have conquered the non-trivial problem of building a flying saucer, using a grappling hook, which went out of style on earth sometime in the 1700s, to grab the guy? And then they just give up and leave when they don’t succeed with the first try? We’ve got nothing to fear from these lazy goofballs.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #165
One hit wonders aren’t just an earthly occurrence
Bob Taylor, forestry worker, was cruising around the forest, in accord with his job description, when he spotted a spherical alien landing craft. Two spike-covered spheres that looked like naval mines rolled out, grabbed him by the pants, and dragged him towards the vehicle. Astutely, he passed out and woke up later, alone, on the forest floor.
The thing that I love about the HSRCbAR1979 is that it never fails to disappoint. This is the only case I’ve ever heard of involving rolling golf-ball kidnapper monsters. Gone are the sophisticated (but still unintentionally hilarious) man-robots of Cisco Grove and Gulf Breeze. I think that this case is an excellent illustration for one of the most suspicious things about the UFO phenomenon: space aliens can whip out a highly advanced piece of technology that (apparently) excels at what it was designed to do, and they only use it once. Just like the carrot-faced elephant robots in Pascagoula, or the school-supply space mummy of Sandra Larson, or the hideous octopus kegs (gaaah!) that assaulted Antonio LaRubia. When didn’t any of these things ever reappear in other cases?
Maybe there’s some sort of alien research spending bill that’s full of pork and the only way to keep their constituents happy is to invest resources in single-use kidnapping devices. Maybe there’s only one storage closet on each spaceship, and each captain gets to pick just one piece of equipment. On the other hand, maybe it’s infinitely more reasonable that the cause of such a wide array of monster robots being reported is a little more on the human side of the spectrum, and we shouldn’t put too much faith in reports with huge portions that are entirely unique.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #107
Aliens are just showing off now
In this case a man and wife saw three lights floating outside their house. When they saw three creatures fitting our modern conception of ‘grays’, they ran back into the house and the man went to get his gun. However, before he could get to it, he and his wife were struck with intense sleepiness and passed out. When they awoke, the shotgun was laying totally disassembled on the kitchen table. And just to make sure I get it right, here’s a direct quote from the case description: “Later a frightening abduction was recalled under hypnosis. (No details on this one)”
So basically, under hypnosis, the couple remembered all sorts of terrifying details but, hey, don’t worry about it, man. Just take our word for it. The part that I really like about this one, though, is the shotgun being disassembled on the kitchen table: that’s just such an asshole thing to do. Seriously, aliens, you’re a bunch of jerks. I mean, they have the technology available to knock a person unconscious and thus render him unable to use a gun, then, just to swing their hoo-hahs around going “woo, we’re the best!” they disassemble it.
This raises another question: the aliens abduct the people and block out their memories; however, they don’t block out the memories of the initial encounter with seeing the lights in their yard. And then, just to make absolutely sure that the couple goes to seek hypnosis, they leave a calling card on the kitchen table. Why bother even blocking out the memories?
This case is also exceptional in the HSRCbAR1979 for involving aliens that look like our current understanding of ‘grays.’ For the most part, the aliens catalogued here look like just regular people, wearing shiny space suits and hanging out around flying saucers.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #49
Now that is style.
Four men are poaching by a river in England. A normal slice of that return to Victorian values that I’ve heard so much about? Hardly. They watched as a silvery balloon-like object, surrounded by a purple glow, floated down the river and disgorged two men. They were of normal height and wearing, oh shit yes, silver jumpsuits and had headlamps, like miners. They also glowed purple. Advancing into a field, all the cattle seemed paralyzed; the two men captured one in a metal cage, measured it, and then flew back into the mystery from which they came.
I know that people tell me that the existence of UFOs and the mystery thereof is the most important thing that has ever happened in the history of mankind. But when I hear about a purple-glowing silver jumpsuit, the first thing that comes to my mind is the ladies. Do you know how much action I’d get if I had one of those outfits? I’d walk into a bar wearing a purple glowing silver jumpsuit, and the panties of every woman in the building would literally sublimate. They would go from solid to gas without melting. I’d see more humpin’ than a rabbit sailor that just got back to port.
And also: a balloon surrounded by a fluorescent purple glow? Oh hell yes. Rap stars would give their left arm for a ride like that. Hell, even I would part with a few fingers. And from what I know of the 1970s, I’m shocked the spacemen didn’t exit their pimpmobile wearing lime green crushed velvet suits with floppy hats sporting peacock feathers, looking to slap a ho fo’ they money.
Also, this excellently illustrates something I’ve noticed about the HSRCbAR1979: back in the day, aliens loved sporting one-piece silver jumpsuits. They still show up nowadays, but the preponderance for spaceman fashion now is those little naked gray dudes. I guess dressing up like an Apollo astronaut has gone out of style.
HSRCbAR1980 CASE #5
We got more than cheesesteaks
I’d be remiss if I didn’t include at least one case from my hometown of Philadelphia. Not just my hometown, but from the library of the University of Pennsylvania, into which I have snuck many times to photocopy journal articles. Anyway, this is clearly a case of UFO space alien activity: a student was minding his own business, reading a book on flying saucers, when a skinny man in a wrinkled suit started chatting him up. After the witness said he wasn’t totally sold on the concept of flying saucer space monsters from beyond the moon, the man screamed that UFOs were “the most important fact of this century.” He then put his hand on the witnesses’ shoulder, told him to “go well in [his] purpose” and quickly left.
Ah yes. I can see the connection to aliens right away.
When I was in college I worked on the staff of the school newspaper and I remember picking up an old collection of papers from the 1980s. One article was about a man that picked up a book, stuck his penis in it, and walked around the library for a while. Can we consider him a space alien? Or perhaps, just perhaps, weird things sometimes happen, and there’s no need for an extraterrestrial explanation.
The fact that the man was wearing a suit that “looked like he had slept in it for three days” doesn’t impress me. In fact, I can say with absolute certainty that I’ve been in Penn’s library in clothing I had, actually, slept in for three days.
To include this in a listing of paranormal and extraterrestrial creatures is a real stretch. It’s also a fine example of how far UFO enthusiasts are willing to stretch.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #165
Aliens kidnap the strongest man on earth!
Imagine that you’re some sort of jogging enthusiast, and that one morning you’re out enjoying your hobby near the shore. Coming around a corner, you see a dark-haired man struggling with a half-dozen horrible creatures from the other side of insanity. The creatures are six feet tall, with thin, large, bald heads and glowing luminous eyes. Just to be extra scary, their mouths are also filled with sharp, needle-like teeth. They’re trying to get the man into a flying saucer that is hovering down near the water’s edge.
And now imagine that one of the creatures sends you a telepathic message mocking you, and runs around the beach like a wiener imitating you. Right when he gets to the good part and decides to kidnap you, one of his comrades tells him it’s not necessary, but it hardly matters to you, since you’re running like hell. But he throws a thing that looks like a big drop of water at you, anyway, that hits you and “feels cold.”
Now that you’ve gotten your brain’s imagination wrapped around that, let me ask: which part of this is it that makes sense, exactly? There are six hideous space creatures trying to kidnap a dude, and instead of using their amazing space technology, they try and strong-arm him in there? Surely they should have some sort of ray guns or sleep rays or paralysis beams or something. If I were a space alien with an entire flying saucer at my disposal and a mission to kidnap earth men, I’d at least put a couple of nets or something in a closet. Hell, a piece of wood would do. Six monsters can’t handle one guy? Maybe the dark-haired man was the strongest man in the world. And if they’re having such a bad time getting him into the ship, why does one of the space monsters take time out to mock passersby? And what in the hell is the deal with that big waterdrop?
There’s just so much that makes this story so ridiculous. The actions of the space aliens make absolutely not sense at all. They’re more like mobsters than they are like our modern concept of space creatures. This is a shining example of a case that sounds creepy until you start thinking about it.
The author dryly notes that the witness was so scared that he waited 11 years before he told anyone about the incident. So it’s got another factor of all good alien abduction tales: it’s recalled long, long after it occurred or anyone could properly investigate. Nice.
HSRCbAR1979 CASE #65
Holy shit this is messed up. Oh shit.
A young lady is walking down a lonely road, when she spots a van painted with blue clouds and flowers. As she passes, the door opens and a “midget” jumped down to stand next to her. He wore a plaid shirt and jeans, but his eyes were completely black with little white dots where the pupils should have been. As she continued to walk, she tried to look back at the man, but her neck refused to turn.
You may notice that there are no UFOs in this story. There’s no dialogue. There’s nothing to indicate any sort of alien presence other than maybe he had sort of weird eyes. On the other hand, it does contain a creepy man living in a van watching a young lady walk past. This isn’t something you’d see on The X-Files. It’s something you’d see on that show where NBC lures sex predators into a house full of burly cops using the internet.
Fanatical belief in space monsters from beyond the moon does some negative things to society. For instance, undeserving people become millionaires overnight for writing books about what Mars men did to their bowels. But when people start mistaking attempted child molestations for space alien sightings, that’s too much. Do you ever want to see the following scene played out?
Child: “Mommy, a creepy man living in a van touched me in my bathing suit area!”
Mother: “Hmmm. Surely he was one of the Insect Overlords from Epsilon Draconis. Let me check your nose for tracking implants.”
Child: “What? He lives behind the gas station in a van.”
Mother: “That’s what the government wants you to think.”
Child: “You’re an idiot.”
I know I don’t. So to summarize, dammit UFO people, child molestation is not a laughing matter. And as we’ve seen, UFOs are often a laughing matter. Therefore you shouldn’t try and pass off creepy dudes living in vans as space monsters.
Well, anyway, there it is. Those are my ten favorite cases. I don’t mean to sound like I’m making fun of Alberto Rosales; he’s obviously put a lot of effort into this, and he’s trying to be somewhat scientific, I guess. But there’s some ridiculous shit that got in there. Amin Oxidase? Feh.
I feel much better now. That any of these cases could be listened to with a straight face is ridiculous.
Be seeing you.